Reflections of a son, a father taken too soon.

The clock ticks past 5pm, the last breath is expelled. The initial pain is over, the new pain awaits but it affects us all differently. Death.

In July 2016, after 44 days of worry, stress, managing work commitments, hospital visits, managing life and being known by first name in ICU tragedy struck….. My father passed away. It was quick according to the calendar but felt like an eternity in reality. Nothing can prepare you for grief and how it manages to creep in and out of your life.

I was lucky that I have some of the most amazing family and friends who I can call in to not only support me but my loved ones and who continue to support us in many ways. These are our true friends and when you least expect it, they are always there, they may not be involved for family dinners every Sunday but will come when they know you need them most and you, yourself don’t even know you needed them until they arrive.

I struggled for a period, unsure of what I should do and I quit my job. Not knowing at the time, but I needed to work on me. I needed to repair myself mentally and emotionally. For the next few years, I stumbled through jobs and just went through the motions. I sought some professional support for some time and worked through the grief. This takes time and I needed to be honest to myself to help repair me. I was reminded it is ok to not be ok all the time, something I never understood until now.

I now work in a workplace where no two days are the same and you never know what is coming behind the next door, but it is the first-time since losing my father that I can be honest and say I feel like myself again.

I fell into a hole for some time, not knowing what to do I floated on autopilot waiting for something to spark me and my interests. What I learnt was that you need to make opportunities for you, you need to find what you are interested in and work on that, you need to talk to people and not bottle emotions up as this is what I found kept me down. I am now excited to work with kids to become better at their sport. I have found that this has allowed me to put things away for a set period and work with kids to learn, strive and achieve their goals. I must say the squad I work with is extremely supportive both to each other and from the parents. Everyone checks in on each other and encourages their teammates at various meets they attend. A reflection of calmness and understanding in the message being spoken at training.

I must express that this change has taken time, something which is continuing on an ongoing basis. My wife has been there through all the high and lows. She is the strength I called on when times were tough. Words would never be enough but to her Thank you.

I know that you only have a few people in your lifetime that you can say that they have seen you at your lowest, and my best friend has.  Never be ashamed to show emotion, it means that you are passionate about it

My father was around for a short time, he had many secrets and was not a perfect person, what I have learnt from him will take a lifetime to fully understand. Some things I learnt from him when he was alive, some in the 5 years after he passed, and some things I will not know until after circumstances happen for me to realise…. Thank you.

I have learnt that you must live in the present and now. Never harbour regret about the past or missed opportunity, this was just a time when you were not ready to make change and put timeframes for the future. These can be altered and adjusted but holds you accountable for what you want to work towards.

I have become a different person since losing my father. It does change you. I am a more compassionate, loyal, and forgiving person. I have learnt to be more flexible with certain situations and realised that there is not always a black and white way to handle things. I am forever trying to be a better version of myself , for my family and for what I am passionate about.

In loving memory of my father, Ben.